After some time with Google I asked on the ask ubuntu chat room.
A user there was king enough to help me find the solution I was looking for and i wanted to share so that any following suers running into this may find it:
grep -P "(^|\s)abc(\s|$)"
gives the result I was looking for. -P is an experimental implementation of perl regexps.
grepping for abc
and then using filters like grep -v '@abc'
(this is far from perfect...) should also work, but my patch does something similar.